why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
