yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
