dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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