I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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