the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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