now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
