It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
