What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
