thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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