please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
