he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
