i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
