Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
