i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
