I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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