why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
