did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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