All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize