Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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