Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize