How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
