I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
