I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize