What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
