Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
