Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
