I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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