I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
