He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
