remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
