um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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