I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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