You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize