College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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