Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
