**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
