i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
