you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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