why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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