your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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