Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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