Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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