Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize