May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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