This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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