U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
