She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
