Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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