My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
