piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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