phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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