Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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