So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
