and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
