were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
