How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
