He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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