She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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